20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
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Some of y’all tomorrow …
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
happy valentine’s day to me
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
*me flirting
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
(by @ZachWeiner )
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
The first one, obviously
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!