me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
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Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
When you don’t understand how floors work
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”