I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
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The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.