[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
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Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
Seals are just dog mermaids.
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me