Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
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Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
I am yelling
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit