Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
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Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.