Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
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me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”