me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
You Might Also Like
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.