my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
You Might Also Like
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
SCARY COSTUME
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you