I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
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People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
(3:12am)
My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.