[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
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Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
Seems a bit forward
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves