ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
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True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.