I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
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Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
That took me a moment.
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
Lmao
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.