#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
You Might Also Like
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
[loses house key, starts a new life]
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.