[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
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[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
These are my roll models.
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”