When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
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All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?