FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
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[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.