Europe. Made in Germany.
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*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma