My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
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I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
Spring cleaning checklist…
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.