Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
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My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…