I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
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If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
I missed you with all my darts
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
You are what you delete.
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”