Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
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Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.