titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
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I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
In banana years, I am bread.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
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My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
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My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.