ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
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*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
My dating profile:
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
😏😏😏
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
*weighs self after shaving
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
(yawn)
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.