I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
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I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
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sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!