[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
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Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail