[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
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A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back