My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
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[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
Imagine being at your therapist鈥檚 office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
cat: psst it鈥檚 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 馃槫馃構
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT鈥檚 how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism