One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
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I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.