Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
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Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up