Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
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Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
Phones down.
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
Life with a cat in one tweet
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going