I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
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Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
Tell the colonel to bring it
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
“dress for the job you want”
There’s a job you want???
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down