GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
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I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.