me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
You Might Also Like
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
everyone’s a critic
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.