When you’re Kinky but poor
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i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
I hate when that happens.
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats