The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
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It’s tough getting user casket reviews
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
Would you wear it?
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
Best misinterpreted text ever!