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wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas