what’s more important?
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“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW