Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
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Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
Never forget.
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
<- sleeps well with others
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
Hot hot hot 🥵
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein