If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
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[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.