ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
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Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
I support this random dude and all his protests
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.