[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
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If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
Finally, an instrument I can play!
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
True?
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.