Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
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Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
Thanks to a fan for this one.
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.