Pizza is an emotion right?
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Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.