Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
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me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
waiting for halloween be like: