In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
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FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.