Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
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[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
If you breakdance you buy dance.
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
bad news gang
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend