You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
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Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.