My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
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You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
🍛
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥