Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
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Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
bears
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
Does beer think about me too?
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
It’s a gift
What fresh Hell is this?!?
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
Radiohead fans, this is for you.